Kia Ora

Right...got off the Korean Airways jet after being served seaweed soup for the best part of 26 hours and ambled through the clean halls of Auckland airport in search of my excess baggage, which is a whole other story. On the way from passport control (which was very friendly) to biosecurity (which was even friendlier when I informed them I was carrying cat ashes), I trod on a bag of what appeared to be amphetamines and pointed this out to a bemused rent-a-cop, rudely interrupting her chat with her colleague. She thanked me for my efforts and then scooped them up and took them away, possibly to be enjoyed later as an alternative to what passes for TV in these parts.

Despite this, the only thing that struck me as weird about the airport was a bin marked "DO NOT SPIT- Please use toilet!". That’s something I have always had close to my heart.

This was later clarified by a local as aimed at "the Asians", by which she meant the Orientals. Apparently the Chinese visitors are quite obsessed with their sinal cavities and any blockage is seen as upsetting the chi. As a consequence they will hock a loogie into the nearest bin whenever they feel a bit of chi restriction, and Auckland bins are well documented as having a splatter area around them covered in what can only be described as "docker's omelettes", some of which have remarkable anti traction properties for the unsuspecting pedestrian. I'm thinking the Doc Martins may help.