Hack To The Future

One Tree Hill.
Sounds romantic, doesn't it? It inspired a Godawful Tv show and U2 (spits) even named a song after the damned thing.
It is a beautiful place though, don't get me wrong. Set amongst a 182 metre volcanic peak it has been a Maori Pa and now is home to the Stardome Observatory and Cornwall Park. The views from it on a clear day are quite simply stunning.
However, it has a history...
When Auckland was founded back in the 1800s, a lone native tree stood near the summit but one day a settler cut it down for either firewood or a laugh (depending on who you speak to) and some non native pines were planted to replace it. Amazingly, only two pines survived. That is until 1960 when one was hacked down for either firewood or run over by that Calvin Klein kid in the DeLorean (again depending on who you speak to).
Maori "activists" (possibly acting on behalf of Biff Tannen) attacked the remaining tree a couple of times before finally during the last attack in 2000 the pine was dealt a fatal blow. The chainsaw used in one of the attacks was shortly thereafter placed on Trade me (the local Ebay alternative) before being withdrawn after complaints.
The reason I mention all of this is that the locals, in their own inimitable style, refer to the place as None Tree Hill.
So there you have it, 200 years of racial tension and wanton dendrocide reduced to a pun. It's the Hobbit way.

Also this week I have finally understood the letters RTD that have been on display outside of the local hooch emporium. All this time I assumed it was a reference to Russell T Davies and was glad that since he has left Dr Who he has finally found an audience of people who will appreciate his "talent", but sadly it means "Ready To Drink".
Basically this involves mixing bourbon and cheap cola together to make an 8% proof recipe for disaster that would give Frosty Jack a run for its money.
18 capacity cases of Cody's or Woody's (advertising slogan..."It's OK for you mate's mum/girlfriend too give you a Woody") fly off the shelves for a mere 35 Hobbit dollars (16 quid in real money) and are guaranteed to give you a headache and/or a magistrate appearance.
Though it sounds cliched, drinking remains a popular recreational activity in Mordor and is now ingrained as an acceptable social tradition along with BBQs, bungy jumping and extra work in a fantasy blockbuster. Whether it be skulling beer in the local park or lying incontinent in one of the many Irish bars, drinking is commonly used to celebrate birthdays, acknowledge the past celebration of birthdays or simply mark the fact that one happens to be conscious.
The more a Kiwi male can drink without getting drunk or dying, the more respect he receives from his peers before they finally pass out or their medical condition is upgraded to "deceased".
Because of this, Mordor is the only nation on Earth to measure Gross National Drunkeness (GND) in lieu of GDP. As a result, Mordor hasn't posted a market gain since 1987 and Sauron is seriously starting to worry about his retirement portfolio. There is also a build up of empties in Christchurch harbour that represents a danger to shipping.