Reach (For The Shiny Planets)

Whilst enjoying the views of Auckland through the windows of a bus I noticed that one of the big businesses tucked away in the east of the city has a corporate logo that is just three marker pen accidents away from being that of the infamous Umbrella Corporation. I'm sure it is just a front for the T-Virus manufacturing lunatics, and here was me thinking the only brain eating threat was from the Scientologists. We had a council newsletter through the door this week advising that everyone needs to have a disaster pack ready to go in case of "national emergencies". I'm guessing they too know about the imminent zombie threat, so I'm taking this as a green light to get the AA12 shotgun I've been eyeing up.

I'll see the undead pricks in hell before they get a sniff of my brains...

We took a trip to the Stardome last week. This is essentially an observatory and planetarium in one, and featured some spectacular views of the heavens as well as some spectacular views of imbeciles. The first of these was a mildly autistic Eastern European gentleman who seemed obsessed by the moon, where he could get his hands on a powerful laser pointer and whether or not you can stare at the sun using the big telescope. The second was a school teacher who, to be fair, was asking questions that she thought her pupils would ask. That doesn't excuse her entirely, though, and the volunteer astronomer seemed ill prepared for the questions "How big is space?", "Can we leave the Milky Way"? and "Are all the stars just shiny planets?". I felt sorry for him when he started talking to her about the Oort Cloud and her eyes glazed over, but he probably had some bad karma left over for looking a little like Harold Shipman.

Other things I have seen this week...

1. The world's fattest arse on a woman in Sylvia Park. Obviously a medical condition of some sort, she wasn't that much of a bloater but it looked like someone had stuffed two life vests at the top of her thighs and pulled firmly on the red toggles. Which got me wondering...does she have to get her trousers specially made or is there a Lady Got Back Emporium tucked away somewhere in Hobbiton?
2. Some random graffitti where the word "NORKS" was written on the side of a building about 30 times.
3. A Chinese version of Christopher Walken. I swear he was the image of him, even down to the hair. If Weapon Of Choice had fired up, he'd have probably started dancing around Pak N Save.
4. Some homeys in a lowrider belting out thumping tunes at an unspeakably high volume. Unfortunately, as it stopped at the traffic lights, the one that was blaring from the speakers was "Bring It All Back" by S Club 7. I saw at least two pedestrians pissing themselves as the homeys tried not to notice. Fail.
5. The Pixies performing at Vector Arena, which has the worst acoustics since Josef Fritzl's cellar. Also, the Pixies frontman now appears to be Vic Mackey from The Shield.
6. The man with the lowest hanging jowls in Oceania wandering around a Glen Innes car park in pink slippers, shorts and a parka.
7. A sign for a company called Hire-A-Hubby. The aim of this company appears to be odd jobs that the modern woman can't be arsed with such as ironing, car maintenance, DIY and gardening. I'm assuming you have to pay extra if you want them to fart in your bed while holding your head under the covers or cheat on you with your sister. Still, I'm sure my Hire-An-Ex-Hubby idea featuring scathing character assassination to friends and family, drawn out legal proceedings, tearful drunken phone calls and creepy stalking might finally have an audience.