tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71602656018772966962024-03-19T05:10:09.514-07:00Life In MordorJimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-29578286010037073012011-02-10T01:30:00.001-08:002011-02-10T01:47:47.840-08:00Random Photo Weirdness #2<span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">The missus finally gets to meet her beloved Bono...</span><br /><a style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKgK2j62QrGAkCbCJmYzCW5vjENAEWkm57mdV7_IYaG3zol2dYz5yPtxeEIXAh1Agv5Dqz5uSIhLorsxnOm0pJMQJbUbGomRDqVDCZNjrH4bwi_67RvaABd_JdZQaVuUB0vdOekEv9wOOj/s1600/dwarf.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKgK2j62QrGAkCbCJmYzCW5vjENAEWkm57mdV7_IYaG3zol2dYz5yPtxeEIXAh1Agv5Dqz5uSIhLorsxnOm0pJMQJbUbGomRDqVDCZNjrH4bwi_67RvaABd_JdZQaVuUB0vdOekEv9wOOj/s320/dwarf.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571992049446236994" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Some Fundamental Christians believe this is actually possible.</span><br /><a style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjAHPDUZCRVODw4xhhsGznFUz4wcbNa4GNiyPrIOGtMIMxIohYWNsjxgunNIzSpcB0aTQYEEiPBfAp9dcouL8iQeXCYa3SPu9rtRw2fbRBvMR9MmjQAF1sZhYgEXe_GKwf_Vhhe_HA8XuH/s1600/dinosaur+village.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjAHPDUZCRVODw4xhhsGznFUz4wcbNa4GNiyPrIOGtMIMxIohYWNsjxgunNIzSpcB0aTQYEEiPBfAp9dcouL8iQeXCYa3SPu9rtRw2fbRBvMR9MmjQAF1sZhYgEXe_GKwf_Vhhe_HA8XuH/s320/dinosaur+village.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571992036303536642" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">We live on a hill where there is no duck pond. Why was this outside the house?</span><br /><a style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGHud7pj-x4o8EzDuowxi0P8ke7KC31UkjbvzztSKK78DR9_F9G7geHTT9_QkU-YbI9XeptAasOZpZl3BLvAB3-KOPWvQQdSUh1b50ekjZUOltlET_YrVO5QFs6NdLHmhLxr-Ix2MkCOQl/s1600/Ducks+sign.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGHud7pj-x4o8EzDuowxi0P8ke7KC31UkjbvzztSKK78DR9_F9G7geHTT9_QkU-YbI9XeptAasOZpZl3BLvAB3-KOPWvQQdSUh1b50ekjZUOltlET_YrVO5QFs6NdLHmhLxr-Ix2MkCOQl/s320/Ducks+sign.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571992050578559394" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Not sure if these are illegal aliens or the gang probing kind.</span><br /><a style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTxaL5SZ0ne2EqjVLzpMpXRqVHn_ACL7Zgytr-qwPoD4lNaczULzEv60uVmGqMW7zX3faCyV9RO9_mU1m2qC9xH92x4zrjAUrb65EesE5SQheyQKYjHtwP-bn21elSuMybscJSYYBSqb2z/s1600/aliens+sale.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTxaL5SZ0ne2EqjVLzpMpXRqVHn_ACL7Zgytr-qwPoD4lNaczULzEv60uVmGqMW7zX3faCyV9RO9_mU1m2qC9xH92x4zrjAUrb65EesE5SQheyQKYjHtwP-bn21elSuMybscJSYYBSqb2z/s320/aliens+sale.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571991140058036226" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">It's blue of course...</span><br /><a style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg61mkRTImgfmZN9wca2erpu_zBBMjP7pT_0Uk_HyPsn8j7xMny4qHghOa7UUXOa6lYf84GUhmaUcR6AWZSYmAaL3XnsrezTAV59HQ573K4YmxxLoEIaEsk6XvB4l-89IbGyoBTbLHiQOYN/s1600/DrWho+plate+2.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 164px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg61mkRTImgfmZN9wca2erpu_zBBMjP7pT_0Uk_HyPsn8j7xMny4qHghOa7UUXOa6lYf84GUhmaUcR6AWZSYmAaL3XnsrezTAV59HQ573K4YmxxLoEIaEsk6XvB4l-89IbGyoBTbLHiQOYN/s320/DrWho+plate+2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571992042294674674" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Seen in Coromandel where they </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">really</span><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"> have to explain this stuff...</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNxE3oZfYc0nKw-TTJGqTQSOhnMyWOi5sWkh5kmXqqaLvtjkhSjKFX8u_2IYLym1Vpz-Fh9m1CWsg-Tm2KKNOUbLDZ1g1uAYnbT63M7RNMj0QRgIxsiTlziOOVM2L7CjTQLp6Iy4AsMma8/s1600/Chickens.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 268px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNxE3oZfYc0nKw-TTJGqTQSOhnMyWOi5sWkh5kmXqqaLvtjkhSjKFX8u_2IYLym1Vpz-Fh9m1CWsg-Tm2KKNOUbLDZ1g1uAYnbT63M7RNMj0QRgIxsiTlziOOVM2L7CjTQLp6Iy4AsMma8/s320/Chickens.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571991492087467810" border="0" /></a>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-13227640864218312312011-01-28T00:34:00.000-08:002011-01-28T00:42:12.788-08:00No Minister<!--[if gte mso 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mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Politics is a funny business. Though the people of Mordor do have politicians, these seem to be just extensions of the common man rather than public school educated tw@ts or lying war criminals. I could be wrong but that is the impression I get from the following few experiences.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">The Prime Minister, John Key, represents the National Party. Not “National” in a Nick Griffin/Adolf Hitler kind of way, but more in a Conservative vein and though he is a world leader he seems to be as accessible as the mayor of a small town. You know, which he is…</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Evidently Sauron keeps him on a loose leash and one of the radio stations rings him up from time to time to ask his opinions on certain things, mainly the sporting events. To them he is just “John”, and the conversations are always very casual and relaxed with no pandering to him and a fair bit of florid language thrown in as is the Kiwi way. I can’t imagine anyone doing that with a UK politician, unless they were able to beat them with a piece of steel pipe beforehand to work out all of the issues.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">He was on again recently in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qW7-ukuMzOI">this</a> astonishing broadcast.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">A bloke I worked with was at a café in Newmarket one Saturday morning for breakfast. He spotted a family of four at the next table also having brekkie and thought he recognised the guy from somewhere. Only when the guy got up did he realise it was John Key. He then spotted 2 minders at a nearby table, but was amazed that there was the leader of the nation (albeit a nation of sheep and Orc minions) at a café, just hanging out. Crazy stuff.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">The wife likes him so much she wants him to be her dad. As her own dad is a lying, thieving scumbag of the highest order anything is preferable I suppose.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"> </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">I had a run in with one of the members of the new Hobbiton Council recently when he showed up at work. Of all of the politicians I think he is the least respected, looking as he does like the <a href="http://cheezburger.com/joshyboy/lolz/View/3273946368">Hood</a> from <span style="font-style: italic;">Thunderbirds</span>. As he entered the control room here I was roped into the party accompanying him (mainly as I just happened to be passing and they needed to make up the numbers as he was so unpopular) and stood by as he started punching buttons for a photo opportunity. I remarked to a colleague in a louder than intended whisper that he looked like an angry midget Voldemort. At this point he stopped what he was doing and looked around at the assembled entourage and I tried to appear as nonchalant as possible, unsure if he heard me or not. He then frowned, which made his eyebrows look like caterpillars doing some weird insectoid samba, swiftly concluded his photo op and left to deal with those International Rescue pricks once and for all.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"> </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Hobbiton has a new mayor and his name is Len.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Quite a few people threw their hats into the ring for this coveted role, including the incumbent mayor, several local councillors, a comedian, a former tv star and a local dole scum troublemaker by the name of Penny Bright. </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Anyway, after a hard fought campaign Len Brown won the election and became Mayor of the Auckland Supercity (which saw the amalgamation of five Orc tribes into one), and he did all of this in the defiance of my wife. </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">To say she hates him is understating the matter somewhat (it’s a bit like saying World War 2 was merely a frank exchange of views) and she has often wished for a portal to Hades to open up beneath him and for his gurning frame to be dragged down and torn asunder by the claws of grotesque demons. All the time being anally raped at the hands of insatiable, barbed penised hell hounds and screaming in indescribable torment as the superheated gases of Hell’s unholy furnace blacken and char his hair and skin. Oh, and he’s also forced to watch looped episodes of the <i style="">Keeping Up Appearances </i>Christmas Specials. </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">All pretty standard stuff really.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">She came to this conclusion being largely put off by his cheesy grin and row of tombstone like teeth but felt that he had essentially sentenced himself to the pit of torment after his famous council speech in June. Len had been </span><span style="" lang="EN">under media attention for matters relating to some spending on his council credit card which included items of a personal nature like toys, cave troll prostitutes and a can of Balrog repellant. </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN">At the council meeting where all this was brought up he repeatedly slapped his face and got extremely emotional, leading to intense speculation that his actions were attributable to his use of a Maori act of contrition. True or not, the face thing is a bit odd and freaked the missus out enough for her to feel physically sick when she saw his visage from then on.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"> </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Because of this I took every opportunity to seize the remote and turn up the volume when his campaign adverts came on and secrete flyers bearing his crooked grin in her work bag. It’s not that I am a bad husband; it’s simply that I have a strong death wish.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Recently I was having a drink in Aotea Square and he wandered past on his way for a coffee. As luck would have it I had a camera handy and gave chase telling him that my wife was a HUGE fan of both him and his campaign and that she would be really impressed if I shook his hand. I then shoved the camera into the hands of the woman he was with (who it turns out was the Deputy Mayor) and the little fella put his arm around me, imparting a “Good on ya, mate” as he grinned for the camera.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">He genuinely seemed like a nice guy so I wished him all the luck for the future, apologised for pestering him when he was trying to get his Whorebucks fix and went back to my alcohol. He even waved at us when he left Whorebucks and went off, credit card in hand, in search of champagne bubbles to polish his antique waka with.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">When I got home and showed the picture to the missus she made me take a shower and sleep in the spare room for a week.</span></p>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-43557040305975748612011-01-20T21:23:00.000-08:002011-01-20T21:26:33.891-08:00Christchurch: The Irwin Allen Years<span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Now the fallout from the Canterbury quake has settled, I can at last discuss the merits of this enforced restructure.</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">I keep having a go at Christchurch in this blog and I must admit that despite never visiting the place I have a very negative image of it through media coverage, police reports and the realistic Lego version of Christchurch I saw. Whereas most Lego representations of cities feature scale models of famous monuments, the Lego version of Christchurch was just pieces scattered on the floor. With mice running over it.</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">I think this was unfair as there was no realistic representation of the town hall (now overrun with feral cats), the 3000 puddles the city has or the wormhole that goes back to the 12th Century. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Christchurch is sort of a glitch in The Matrix where none of the conventional laws of nature or sense have dominion. It’s a lot like Wales.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Though the quake had no human casualties I understand that several goats were killed shortly afterwards as a sacrifice to the angry UnderGod, and the blame for it all was squarely laid on the triple threat of moral turpitude, widespread disbelief in the aforementioned UnderGod and something the locals refer to as electrickery (a form of devilry that was introduced to parts of the city only days before). The city itself seems to have suffered some moderate structural damage with a few exceptions of collapse. In some areas it is hard to tell and insurance assessors have been scratching their heads and looking at Google Maps to see if the buildings were actually like that to begin with, though it is difficult to tell with mud huts and burned out Nissan Bluebirds.</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">There was also some sporadic looting of abandoned property, which doesn’t surprise me to be honest. Though a beautiful place when you look at it from a distance (the International Space Station for preference), the city is forever tainted by the criminal elements. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Let me put it this way, if there was ever to be a re-enactment of the Maori Wars and they needed a city to destroy as part of it, then Christchurch should be top of the list as the crims and the quake have already made a decent head start on it.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Throughout the coverage, I saw the Prime Minister nodding sympathetically as he surveyed the tipped over crates of beer but not once did I see the MP or mayor, which leads me to believe Christchurch actually doesn’t field an elected official. This is probably since their first mayor failed to live up to the achievements of his predecessor and is instead represented at the Beehive by a broken stool with a crushed can of Woody’s on top of it. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">A few days ago there was a retrospective of the events of the quake and how it is only now hitting home for some residents (presumably the ones who have just sobered up or returned from prison). In this report was an indication that depression and suicides were up on previous years and that mental health services are stretched by the influx. Is this down to the quake or have folk finally snapped after finally realising that they live in Christchurch? </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">The mood has been further upset as they seem to have had more aftershocks than Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen and Sarah Harding put together. As soon as they start to do some remedial work on a property, another rumble comes along and sends the mud and hay flying. Shortages in water, electrickery and burglary tools are causing a problem and the area has so many cracks and crevices in it, that when viewed on Google Earth it looks uncannily like Gordon Ramsay’s face.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">I once mentioned my disdain for the place at a social gathering, before the person I was speaking to said she was from there. After leaving me squirming for several uncomfortable seconds she informed me that it was an awful place and she couldn’t wait to leave. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">That said, she did point out that Christchurch is a place where opportunity can knock at your door at any moment. It’s just that when it finds you aren’t in, it breaks through a window and steals all your stuff.</span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-56841532049599971852011-01-15T21:31:00.000-08:002011-01-28T22:23:41.713-08:00Queenstown: Bohemian Raspberry<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> 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Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The Queenstown New Year celebrations themselves were interesting. The wife was spoken to by a colleague who reported that the town was “mental at New Year”. Evidently said colleague had never been to any large city square at the last stroke of midnight and had probably only ever spent it with 12 other humans. </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The harbour area was comparatively busier with two stages (of sorts), a single burger van with a bored looking purveyor and a modest firework display that lit up the harbour and scared the beaks off the local duck population.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The first stage featured a DJ set playing some poorly chosen dance music as some select locals jigged along like the old guy out of <span style="font-style: italic;">Deliverance</span> when the duelling banjo music starts playing.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The second stage was an eye opener and was populated by a series of covers bands, including a delightful group of three ladies who were butchering some 90s tracks while dressed like an unholy cross between some Geordie slappers and the women from the "Sheila’s Wheels" adverts.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">As they “performed” their unique renderings of the songs, they wiggled their bodies (one of them was a bit rotund so had little choice in the matter really) and played up to the dumbfounded crowd of slack jawed yokels.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Looking off to my left I spotted an Eastern European gentleman I had seen earlier that day asking for directions. He was filming the entire thing on his camcoder, with a huge smile on his face so it was obviously the best form of entertainment he had seen since they banned dancing bears in his homeland of Kazakhstan. </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The only down point was the wine tour we went on earlier that day. Though it was pleasant and the driver was very nice and informative, the wines weren’t that fantastic and the mood was ruined by the know alls behind us.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I don’t mind the Bohemian types who like to drink wine and talk about art and literature, having met many of them in some of the circles I have moved in. Ok, you wouldn’t trust a lot of them to wire a plug or remember to feed your cat, but they generally mean well for a bunch of harmless loafers.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">What these seemed to be, however, is arrogant mature students who have graduated from the school of life with a double first in bullshit and f*cktardary and the world could do with a lot less of them.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Everyone else on the trip seemed ok, from the cool looking French pair and the camera happy Americans to the ubiquitous Brits and the weird German couple (he looked like the bastard offspring of Arsene Wenger and Pam St Clement and she couldn’t go more than a few steps without lighting up a cancer stick), but these guys were a pain in the arse. So much so that it prompted the missus to declare quite loudly that she was glad she had left her encyclopaedia behind as it evidently was now redundant. When she gets riled, I know things are bad.<br /></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Starting the journey with a sort of one-upmanship foreplay of interesting facts the know alls pointed out that the mountain range known as The Remarkables are so called because they are the only range in the world that run truly North-South. Utter bollocks as The Rockies have the same aspect and the naming is rumoured to be down to the fact that they looked so spectacular to the original settlers. Score one for Wikipedia there.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">When<span style=""> </span>we passed a church they pointed out that all Churches must point to the east as it’s some kind of religious law. Though I don’t know much about churches, I think it is mainly the Anglicans that do this and have been in churches that certainly don’t follow this convention.</span> Having visited St Peter’s Magic Castle (for the Vatican City is like a Catholic Disneyland, full of imaginary characters where the devout go to escape from reality and they hire people who like to spend <span style="font-style: italic;">far </span>too much time with children) I am fairly sure that the chancel is on the west rather than the east.</p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Which reminds me, if churches are built to face east because Jesus is meant to return from there, then east of Queenstown is a place called Cromwell. In which case, Christianity is in serious trouble as the Messiah is going to be either a sheep or an inbred mutant.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">As the journey progressed and more tastings were had, they couldn’t seem to hold their drink and the gibberish just got worse, with them sometimes forgetting what fact they were meant to be mis-representing. One of them even reported putting one of the winery people straight as apparently a painting done by her grandmother hung in the winery and the winery people simply were not aware of this fact. Boo f*cking hoo.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Toward the end of the trip we stopped at "The Winehouse" which is near the mentalist magnet AJ Hackett bungy over the Kawarau River. As we did so, the most annoying of the know alls (the one with the little known painter grandmother) spoke up to her comrades…</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">“Oh, we’re not going to look at the bungy are we? Oh dear.” </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Rolling their eyes at the tackiness of it all, the gruesome threesome trudged off the bus looking ashamed to be there.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">However, once off they were the last ones getting on as they were still watching the maniacs hurl themselves off the bridge, probably exchanging true facts like “the ancient Greeks invented the ipod first” and “Noah’s Ark almost certainly had room for two of every species of dinosaur”. </span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Thereby proving that they weren’t just know-all jizzbats after all, they were in fact <i style="">hypocritical</i> know-all jizzbats.</span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">While back in the safety of Auckland airport, I was standing next to three Americans at the carousel. I don’t know what it is about Americans, but they seem to behave strangely in places of transit. I was in Venice some years back and a fairly young American family were there as we were getting the train to Lake Garda. As the woman and child headed off to conduct some important business, the bloke on his own started to go a bit mental in the middle of the crowded station.<br /></span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">His shortish, portly frame resplendent in his pink polo shirt, yellow shorts, white socks and trainers, he popped one arm of his sunglasses in his mouth and began practising his golf swing with an imaginary club and looking into the distance as his imaginary ball sailed down the fairway. He did this for about five minutes.<br /></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">As I stared at him incredulously, I caught the eye of one of the many locals who were also jaw agape at the antics and we both shook our heads at each other in a brief moment of European unity.</span></p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" lang="EN-GB">Anyway, at the carousel there were two blokes in their 30s and a woman in her 50s or 60s. As one left to use the bathroom, the older lady moved in and started giving the other one a back massage remarking that “Gee, your back muscles are really big”.</span> <p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">As my brain struggled to take in the relationship I figured either that…</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="">A)<span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">It was a gay couple on holiday with the mum of one of them, in which case she shouldn’t be massaging either of them.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="">B)<span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">The bloke who had gone for a slash was her son and this was his mate who she was secretly nailing. In which case, eeeew.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="">C)<span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;font-size:7pt;" > </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">It was her son. And they are from Appalachia and had travelled to Auckland instead of Invercargill where this sort of thing is a regular occurrence.</span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;font-family:verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">This is just the sort of lapse in judgement that lobs in a frag grenade during a hostage rescue.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;"><br /><span lang="EN-GB"></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;"><span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" lang="EN-GB"></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-80021254897934820452011-01-13T23:53:00.000-08:002011-01-14T00:54:29.131-08:00Queenstown: A Kind Of Tragic<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> 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mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Queenstown is the NZ capital for adrenalin junkies.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I know this because on the way in our pilot decided that simply landing at an airstrip that is situated with mountains on three sides while being criss-crossed by helicopters and other light aircraft simply wasn’t enough excitement for his terrified passengers. Instead he decided to come in at way above the normal speed and bring the plane to a screeching halt with metres to spare, probably while wearing shades and waggling his thumb and little finger out of the window shouting “Awesome, bro!”</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">After sobbing and kissing the tarmac for several minutes we headed into the town itself via the shuttle service. This was also an interesting experience as our driver was apparently so bad that they had to have a back up driver on board telling him where he was going wrong. As the bus lurched and careened to our hotel, the back up guy offered such helpful bon mots as “just start off in second gear”, “don’t bother with the handbrake” and “watch out for that Mumakil”.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Disembarking the vehicle as it thundered down the hill to the town centre mowing down everything in its path we elected to check in and then head off to explore the delights of Queenstown. This would take about 40 minutes, including check in time, the conversation with the receptionist from Kirkstall and the five minute walk into town. Had the place been a Freddie Mercury style themepark (as I had earlier feared) I feel the situation would have been improved.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">A small town by anyone’s standards, Queenstown is the home of the bungy, which was invented by a suicidal bloke who wanted to keep his options open when he realised he was living in Queenstown. It is also one of the few places you can stand on a plank on top of a tipped over cylinder and try to balance. This is genuinely one of the attractions on a small funfair that is situated near the cable cars and wouldn’t look out of place at the Craggy Island fair. Idiot pointing is also popular and I indulged in a spot of this while watching the luge track on the nearby mountain.<br /></span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The first thing I noticed was the scenery. It is simply stunningly beautiful.<br /></span></p><p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Lake Wakatipu (despite drowning a couple of Frenchman last month) is clear, blue and inviting. The mountains surrounding the area look straight out of Lord Of The Rings and the town itself looks clean and well maintained, especially the park where you can play Frisbee golf. No, really, Frisbee golf.<br /></span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The second thing I noticed were the car pricks. Boy racers took great delight in revving their souped up bangers up and down the hill into town all the time forgetting the golden rule of vehicular style…</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN">It doesn't matter how low your car is, how deep the bass goes, how piercing the headlights are or how shiny your rims may be, if you are a white guy with 50 Cent pumping out of the stereo then you may as well just cut your losses and kill yourself.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal">Like the commonly stated fact about rats, you are never more than 10ft away from a Brit in New Zealand. They are everywhere, having fled the hellholes of the UK (Preston, Leeds, Penzance, Crewe etc.) for a better life in the fires of Mordor.</p> <p style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" class="MsoNormal">Queenstown is full of them, mainly in the bars and cafes, all of which seem to be constantly hiring. In fact, I am almost certain that the entire serving staff resigned and were replaced in the 40 minutes it took us to eat our pizza.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); font-family: verdana;" lang="EN-GB">Despite this short relationship, the people of the town seem genuinely friendly and inquisitive about visitors. Much like the people of Birkenhead only without the unpleasant end result of a mugging and subsequent hospital visit.</span><span style="" lang="EN"></span></p>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-21876926677864874782010-12-27T22:52:00.000-08:002010-12-27T23:12:21.583-08:00Rod Serling Presents...<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >I've seen some weird random stuff recently. For instance...</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >A Korean Christian Rock band singing to an enthralled crowd of their 12 friends from the church. Their cultural legacy will live on to the end of this sentence.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >A bloke in a full and uncomfortable looking snowman costume dancing to Eminem in an empty car lot on a very humid day. This was while the sun beat down on a Monday afternoon.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Two blind, elderly Chinese ladies doing some Tai Chi in front of a huge sign that was raising awareness of the persecution of blind people in China. This was news to be as the only blind Chinese people I have ever seen or heard of were all hardcore Kung Fu masters who were revered and respected. Ok, this is probably a western conceit but despite being blind these two ladies were in perfect synch so I reckon they could go all Pai Mei on someone when they need to.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >A bloke at the beach who I assumed to be dressed as a superhero, clad as he was in an all in one bodysuit with a pair of trunks over it. As he got closer I realised this wasn’t the case and I can honestly say he was hairy enough to carry C3PO on his back and hang around a Mos Eisley cantina looking for work.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >A sign in the Bay of Islands advertising “Home Kill Butchery”. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Much like “Epileptic Blunt Vasectomy” or “German Peace Initiative” these are three words that surely don’t belong together in any sane society.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >The (NZ) famous TV ad personality Levi Vaoga. Levi, is the poster Uruk Hai for Mitre 10 (a sort of B&Q with the “&” removed and replaced by another “B”) and is what I can only describe as a f*cking brick shithouse. We bumped into him at the opening of a new Mitre 10 Mega when we were shopping for gardening crap. Levi and his posse were showcasing the new store and holding a strongman competition (for he is NZ’s strongest man) involving the lifting of housebricks and the smashing of Hobbit skulls. </span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >A sign for a local church saying “Google doesn’t have all the answers! GOD!”</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >At first glance you think this is saying that it is the Almighty and only the Almighty who knows everything (except apparently how to create a planet that doesn’t try to kill the inhabitants on a regular basis) but the sentence is constructed like the church is just having a go at Google for not knowing what they asked it and then shouting “GOD!” at the end of it like some sort of spoiled teenager.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Still, when you follow a religion free from the shackles of logic, common sense and scientific evidence, you can’t expect to get the grammar right. Except if it’s about putting people to death for working on the Sabbath, of course.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Four mimes of varying ethnic backgrounds doing their artistic best as the rain pounded down outside Britomart station. They were accompanied in their misery by Dvorak’s New World Symphony. For the record, I f*cking hate mimes, and come the Apocalypse I mean to kill as many of them as Xenu sees fit to deliver before my rifle.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-style: italic;">Mr Ed </span>translated into Maori. Seriously messed up shit.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >The (Oceania) famous singing sensation Altiyan Childs. It’s hard to quantify Altiyan. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >One minute he seems to be a sensitive rocker with a history of disappointment behind him belting out cheesy Bon Jovi covers like there is no tomorrow (which very well may be the case for him) and the next he comes across as a crazy eyed mental defective blubbing his way through an interview and throwing homo-erotic glances at a worried looking Ronan Keating.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >As the missus is a huge fan (and Facebook friend of his) we queued up for 2 hours at the Warehouse (a superstore- real classy move there, chief) so she could press the flesh with the great man. When the steady procession of slavish yokels went up to get something signed he seemed genuinely touched and excited that so many people had come to see him. My guess is he is either far too nice to last in the music business or it is all a highly impressive act and sooner or later he will flip out and take a bus load of nuns hostage.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >I declined the invitation to shake his hand as my mouth can’t be trusted in situations like that and I’d have doubtless caused “an incident”. Instead I opted for taking a snapshot of him hugging the misses, a photo she will treasure right up until the day they find his car abandoned near a popular suicide spot.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >The number plate TRFC, bringing back terrible memories of my youth.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >A bloke playing a small guitar outside a run down row of shops in Glen Innes while dressed as Optimus Prime. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Bruckheimer! *shakes fist*</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >NZ’s ugliest child. As I stood waiting for the missus outside of the local Belgian Beer bar, the beautiful people of Mission Bay went about their business on a hot and sunny evening. In the café next door a young couple played with their toddler, which was pestering a dog belonging to the woman on the adjacent table. The parents of the toddler were both attractive, blonde haired, tanned and athletic looking. The child, on the other hand, was some sort of half human/half warthog abomination that wouldn’t look out of place in <span style="font-style: italic;">Clash Of The Titans</span>. I suppose the important thing is that it seemed physically and mentally healthy but all of this leads me to conclude that either good genes cancel each other out or a Jeremy Kyle-esque paternity special is on the cards.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Lots of families smiling, pointing and waving at me as I ascended two escalators. Only when I got to the top of the second one did I realise that the geezer right behind me was dressed in a full Santa suit.</span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-11826987504130359782010-12-24T00:39:00.000-08:002010-12-24T00:50:19.359-08:00Off The Buses<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >I’ve been getting the “Loser Cruiser” to work on a regular basis. The buses in Mordor are a lot like those in the UK except for five very important differences…</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >1- The buses run late. Now, I know that buses in the UK run late too. It’s just that here it is kind of expected here and the timetables are taken as a rough and wildly optimistic guideline. Because of this, people don’t get that narked by it and start smashing the bus shelters or complaining loudly to their fellow stranded passengers. They know the bus will turn up when it turns up (or maybe it won’t) so just accept it. It has taken me months to get used to that attitude, and I’m still not there. Much like the 770 that never arrived last week.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >2- Some of the buses are a health and safety nightmare. Devoid of cameras, dimly lit at night and driven by madmen, you need your wits about you to get up, pull the bell cord and make it to one of the doors without serious injury or death. I got on a bus recently that (I shit you not) had a mural on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel’s famous neck strainer. I don’t know why it was there but the sceptical part of me suggests it has something to do with taking your eyes and mind of the lousy driving.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >3- I’ve yet to see a bus with an empty Lucozade bottle rolling about the floor.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >4- People are friendly. At the bus stop one morning, I got into a conversation about bus timetables and then music with a huge Pacific Islander lad who worked at the Vector Arena. Disturbingly though he was a teenager and dressed like a member of Slipknot he said the best gig he had been to recently was Robin Gibb. His final reminiscence being underlined with the statement…</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" > “That Robin Gibb put on an awesome show, bro.”</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >As the bus journey ended at the Newmarket terminus, the driver got up out of his seat and as it was a Friday wished everyone a cracking weekend, waving to us as we alighted.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >If that had been the UK, the incident at the bus stop would have been a punch up over which Gibb had the best voice and the only waving the bus driver would have conducted was the two fingered variety. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >The only exception to this is the Filipino bus driver who said to me in excellent English as I boarded his bus…</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >“Hello. I remember you from yesterday as you look like a member of the 1990s UK pop sensations Right Said Fred”.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >I almost killed him.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >5- Bus mentalists seem to be few and far between. The ones back in Leeds were especially plentiful, including the colourful character who liked to quiz people about their favourite films before revealing his was popular 80s scapegoat “I Spit On Your Grave”. Possibly for the artistic direction, but more likely for the graphic sexual violence.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >I have only had one run in with such an individual here in Mordor and this delightful episode only occurred as I boarded the bus one morning and failed to disengage my nutter magnet in time. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >As we stopped at the bottom of Symonds Street, a bloke got on. With his shaved head, shorts and army boots, my howling moonpig detector went straight into the red and I shifted along on the seat to take up as much room as possible while he explained to the driver exactly what stop he was after, what the distinguishing features of that bus stop were, his ultimate destination for the day’s business (a hostel) and his God given purpose for doing so.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >He lumbered down the bus clutching his ticket and dropped into the seat opposite the aisle from me.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >By this point I had plugged in my earphones (which were switched off in case I needed to hear a steady build up of mentalism prior to him going postal) and carried on reading my book so he wouldn’t talk to me. My subtle plan failed spectacularly as he looked over and started his jabbering…</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Mental:</span> Are you Major General Fitzroy?</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Me</span> (pulling out earphone): What, mate?</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Mental</span> (looks right and left): Major General Fitzroy. You’re him, aren’t you?</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Me</span> (jokingly): Ha ha. No, I just look like him. He’s my twin brother.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Mental:</span> I need to talk to him about that business today. 160,000 British soldiers dead in Kabul.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Me:</span> Oh…</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Mental:</span> 1000 Centurion tanks destroyed. Don White will be a long time paying that off.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Me:</span> Don White being?</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Mental:</span> The Prime Minister. I’m just off to see him in Western Springs. </span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Me: </span>Isn’t the Prime Minister called John Key? And why would he need to…</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Mental </span>(stares with his head cocked to one side like a dog): …</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Me:</span> Okaaaaay….</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Mental:</span> I was a Colonel in the Falklands War and won 4 VCs, including the one that belonged to Freaky Frank.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Me:</span> Right. Yes. Hmmmn. Good one.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Mental:</span> I’ll tell Don you said. 160,000 dead. He needs to be told.</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Me: </span>Yeah, let me know how that goes…</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >He got off further up Symonds Street, walked in the direction of the hostel and then turned on his heel and started walking back towards town. I wonder what Don White made of it all.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Though not in the mental category, I do regularly get the bus home with a couple of Chinese ladies, one of whom sings on the journey like a demented Mogwai having its nuts pushed through a garlic press. I’m not sure what it is all about, but if it’s a love song it makes me wonder how the Chinese aren’t extinct as a race.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >One final note…as I leapt to safety from the bus the other morning I spotted a huge container ship peeking through the early morning fog as it made its way up the busy harbour to the sound of foghorns and Uruk Hai war cries. By my return to Britomart Transport Centre the ship had docked and was being unloaded. Registered in Singapore the ship was called <span style="font-style: italic;">MV Madame Butterfly</span> and it got me wondering about the crew of that fine vessel. Would you really want to serve on a ship named after a famous (albeit it literary) suicide? I’ll bet there are loads of jobs going on the <span style="font-style: italic;">MV Kurt Cobain</span>. I might sign that bus mentalist up for it.</span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-16336041741752337742010-12-16T21:52:00.000-08:002010-12-16T22:19:29.391-08:00Call Of Nature:Toilet Assault<span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">After the Christmas Cruise of Calamity, the seven of us who had survived the night knelt near the harbour kissing the ground as the wife laid out her grand plan for the rest of the night.</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">When the missus has had a few drinks she often makes command decisions worthy of General Custer and, as so often happens when she has had a skinful, she hit upon the idea of finding a place she could dance. She knows that I can’t dance to save my life, having all of the natural grace and rhythm of a gout-addled epileptic walrus so I am fairly she does this on a subconscious level to make me more uncomfortable. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Fortunately, with the closure of the living hell that was Boogie Wonderland, the number of clubs in Auckland that play cheesy pop music (rather than the puzzlingly popular RnB) you can now count on the fingers of one head. So, after leaving two of the party behind simply because they were Australian, we headed to Karangahape Road (or K Road as the local vernacular has it).</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">This road is probably the crime capital of Auckland and virtually every time <span style="font-style: italic;">Police Ten 7</span> shows somewhere unruly in the city, it is K Road. It is also the location of the miniscule Gay, Lesbian and Transvestite scene in this fair town. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">It’s a very odd place. One end of the road features the Langham, one of Auckland’s most upmarket hotels, and the other features a pile of rotting garbage known as the 24Seven Bar. Somewhere in the middle there is a sliding scale of crime, debauchery and really bad kebabs. If you want something, you can find it on K Road, especially if that something is to be brutally assaulted by a mentalist in a dress.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">In the daytime it is full of music shops, tattoo parlours, eclectic cafes and lots of retro and hippy stores. At night it appears to be dodgy takeaways (where the Korean meatballs probably are the dog’s bollocks), rough bars and pools of rapidly congealing blood. It’s like one of those comedy speakeasys where the roulette table and drinks cabinets flip over to reveal a dinner table with lit candelabras and a radio playing the <span style="font-style: italic;">Waldo Chester Juggling Hour</span> just as the Feds smash through the door and proceed to scratch their heads in puzzlement. Every day at 6am the entire street flips back over to reveal a respectable row of shops, while an army of slaves work on the seedy side mopping up blood and vomit before the night shift begins again.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">As we travelled up Queen Street towards our target, as sure as eggs is eggs and any film where Jason Statham is the lead being a steaming pile of shit, the area became steadily rougher and rougher. Gangs littered the pavements, drunken revellers staggered their way between the window down-stereo on hoodmobiles and the “Back off, Bro” quotient went off the charts. By the time we got to K Road, there were already two police cars in evidence as officers attempted to get some sense out of drunken teenagers on the steps of a bar playing some god-awful Kanye West track. I think the cops should have shot them and anyone else in the bar merely for listening to Kanye, but I’m probably alone in my views.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">After several minutes we stood in a loose circle outside The Family Bar, perhaps K Road’s most famous gay haunt while attempting to listen to the music that was playing inside and trying not to stare at the transvestite sitting on the bench behind us. Well, I say “transvestite” but that was stretching it somewhat. Effort wise he was getting a sympathetic F, mainly as he seemed to be undecided whether to dress as Danny LaRue or Gabby Johnson from <span style="font-style: italic;">Blazing Saddles</span>. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">I once saw a documentary about sea birds where, during mating season, the males would gather on a clifftop and basically show off in order to attract a mate. The elderly ones, past their prime and unable to preen themselves and squawk their little hearts out, would turn up anyway out of instinct but look on miserably from the edges as everyone else got paired up. Was this guy one of the old guard who had assembled here to look on as the youngsters conducted their colourful courtship rituals? After a while I came to the conclusion that; </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">A) I can’t apply the lifecycles of puffins to transvestites, and </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">B) I didn’t care.</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Then someone pointed out that he was just some homeless guy who had stumbled upon a rainbow coloured feather boa. F*ck you very much, David Attenborough!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Somewhat predictably the music pumping out from the bar was Lady Gaga, though the video showing on the screens was Van Halen’s not so gay classic <span style="font-style: italic;">Jump</span>. For a moment I thought this was some weird flashback dream sequence I was having after eating that space cake in Amsterdam, but it turned out that the video screens were just showing random stuff on mute while the DJ played the gay anthems of the moment. After several moments of deliberation we ventured inside, passing several burly men with shaved heads and very tight t-shirts. I’d left my tight t-shirt at home so didn’t really blend in. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">I’ll have an aside here and explain why the wife often sees me as mildly homophobic. I grew up in a family with absolutely no known gay people in it and basically my early experiences with gay friends involved sidestepping several uncomfortable attempts to seduce me. In the gay bars I have visited in my crash course of gay culture my shaved head and gorilla like appearance was apparently a big draw, presumably among the blind and/or drunk members of the pink fraternity. Then there is the fact that it has taken me some 20 years to get used to seeing two men kissing to the point where it is no longer an issue for me. However, I will point out in my defence that to see a couple of any gender or persuasion going at it hammer and tongs in public is not exactly my cup of tea. Unless it’s Charlize Theron and Megan Fox, but that’s pretty much a given.</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">I acknowledge that due to my upbringing I am a dinosaur and hopefully one of the last of a dying breed. The next generation won’t have my restrictions to overcome and I think the world will be a much happier place as a result. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Meanwhile, back in The Family Bar…no sooner had we settled down when two transvestites made a grand and noisy entrance. The second of these was wearing something I can only describe as Widow Twankey meets Rainbow Brite. Had a colour blind version of <span style="font-style: italic;">Aladdin</span> been playing in town I would have assumed that she had come to the wrong stage door, but regardless, it was an A for effort in my book, if only for the astonishing hat. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">However, she was way behind the lovely, awe inspiring sight of Miss Ribena. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Miss Ribena is what I can only describe as the bastard offspring of Jonah Lomu and Carmen Miranda. Standing well over six feet tall in her heels and with biceps like cannonballs, she strode through the bar in her purple ensemble drawing gasps and adoration from all who viewed her. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">About 12 months ago I was becoming infuriated with <span style="font-style: italic;">Call Of Duty: World At War</span> when trying to storm the Reichstag for the umpteenth time on Veteran setting. It was insanely hard as the hated Nazis were all crack shots and had a billion grenades each that they would throw with surgical precision next to my cowering form.</span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Had Miss Ribena been beside me striking terror into the hearts of the krauts with her purple eyeliner and arms that could snap a panzershreck in two, I feel sure I would have completed that game in 93 seconds, my Red Army soldiers hoisting a rainbow flag above the ruined squarehead stronghold.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Anyway, after a round of drinks and a trip to the loo it was time to move on as the wife’s attempts to embarrass me had failed and I seemed to be losing my homo-erotic appeal as I didn’t get chatted up once. I did have to manhandle a bloke into the toilets as he was drunkenly trying to negotiate the complex method of door opening while punters stared at him incredulously. One shove in the back later and the door magically opened as his head struck it. It was brutality and education all in one, provided free of charge by your friendly neighbourhood maniac. </span><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"><span style="font-style: italic;">Call Of Nature:Toilet Assault</span> is out now on PS3 and Xbox 360.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Striking terror into the hearts of Nazis by being fabulous...</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixKQkBV1hdiysJWgmTLSDU9zL8G7d2bSwfphztQbL4k_JnC7ZN-kfoEYq2Wi64TdkkKvONxk85wbvU3cG1sdJwBjtLt9iu3QLOE1rC-2C6z6qYZY6svkyfUcikdUIF3Aw5UujGEEwuL-BG/s1600/drag+queen+K+road+2.JPG"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 293px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixKQkBV1hdiysJWgmTLSDU9zL8G7d2bSwfphztQbL4k_JnC7ZN-kfoEYq2Wi64TdkkKvONxk85wbvU3cG1sdJwBjtLt9iu3QLOE1rC-2C6z6qYZY6svkyfUcikdUIF3Aw5UujGEEwuL-BG/s320/drag+queen+K+road+2.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551527815792250178" border="0" /></a>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-69548522789816108952010-12-12T23:23:00.000-08:002010-12-13T00:00:05.619-08:00The Boat That Sucked<div style="text-align: left; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;">Right, where was I? Oh yes...<br /><br />Last weekend we went on a Christmas meal harbour cruise and as we waited for the rest of our party to arrive we were passed by two midgets dressed as pirates. This was a bad omen for the evening to come and left me wondering two things.<br />Firstly, where does a midget go to get a pirate costume that fits a small adult frame with little legs and secondly, are midgets really cut out for piracy? There’s probably lots of rape and pillaging that needs to be done above waist level and it must be devilishly hard to steer the Black Pearl through the treacherous waters around the Isla De Muerta when you have to stand on a box.<br />Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t have anything against midgets (not even my lower body) but I have a brother who is absolutely terrified of them. He wouldn’t even watch <span style="font-style: italic;">Time Bandits</span> when we used to put it on. Ok, that film seemed to be shown a lot in our house but I’m sure this was purely out of therapy rather than out of familial cruelty. It was hard to tell with my family, but because of this I always associated midgets with bowel loosening terror. To see them dressed as pirates or ninjas or other purveyors of human misery (Nazis, Priests, Bon Jovi, etc) only serves to ramp up this image in the dark recesses of my brain.<br /><br />The three hour cruise got under way and all seemed to be going ok. This was until the DJ arrived. I don’t like DJs as they tend to be pricks or buffoons and it was the one reason I didn’t want to go on this cruise, recommending instead that we go on the <span style="font-style: italic;">Waipa Delta</span> paddle steamer which is meant to be a cut above.<br />Anyway, this guy not only fell into the “buffoon” category, he crashed through the floor of it and tumbled headlong into the fenced off area marked “incompetent fuckwit”. He started off his set with an excuse that the booked DJ had been struck down with something that prevented him performing his duties for the night. Presumably the booked DJ had a premonition that midgets were going to make him walk the plank if he played the Oompa Lumpa song from<span style="font-style: italic;"> Willy Wonka</span> and thought the better of turning up. As he stood there in his black shirt with white musical note braces and tie (looking like a 1920s Chicago hitman who specialised in not only killing music, but also torturing it and then cutting off its body parts to send a message) DJ Excuse went on to explain how he hasn’t DJ’ed in three years and that he was used to working with vinyl. We took this diatribe to be a joke at first, but how very wrong we were.<br /><br />After enduring the first few tunes we left to go outside and snagged a table near the midgets in case it all kicked off, albeit it at knee level. The alcohol was reasonably priced so that flowed quite freely as we tucked into the BBQ grub, and the world didn’t seem so bad.<br /><br />Suddenly the boat swung around and quickly made for port. Mystified by this (we were around only an hour and a half in) I looked up and was surprised to discover that the midgets had disappeared. Had they taken over the boat? Were we going back to the harbour to commit below the belt mayhem and murder? Was the DJ hanging from the yardarm for one too many cracks about being there on “very short notice”? I ran down to the cabin and discovered it was none of the above. There was the DJ, mic in hand telling the circle of ladies that the Beyonce cd is now scratched beyond all hope of recovery and there were the midgets drunkenly dancing along to the <span style="font-style: italic;">Time Warp</span>. I could hear Edward Teach spinning in his grave.<br />It turns out we had simply run out of plastic forks and were making for the harbour to pick up more. One hasty re-supply later and with the crew refusing to let anyone escape the boat, we set sail once more on our voyage of terror.<br /><br />After several more jumping cds, unexplained silences and frankly dreadful attempts to explain it all (“my speciality is vinyl”, “the boat is rocking too much”, “I have Parkinson’s…shabba!”, etc) I couldn’t take any more and left, shaking my head at the circle of women who were gyrating on the dance floor to Boney M’s seminal classic <span style="font-style: italic;">“Mary’s Boy Child”</span> and heading for the top deck to throw myself into the unforgiving black waters of Auckland Harbour.<br /><br />As I stood there contemplating taking the easy way off the boat I was steered away from self termination by a majestic sight in the darkness. With the glittering Auckland skyline behind it, the paddle steamer <span style="font-style: italic;">Wapia Delta</span> (streamed with blue lights from her bow to her stern) chugged her way past our boat and lit up the black waves as she passed.<br />With the universe holding it’s breath for this fleeting moment of beauty, one of the three expatriate middle aged ladies standing to my left piped up...”Eeee. It’s just like Blackpool, with the trams all lit up.”<br />Only when the moment was broken could I hear Beyonce’s <span style="font-style: italic;">Single Ladies</span> being played in the <span style="font-style: italic;">Delta’s</span> main cabin as it occurred to me that the DJ who had called in sick had obviously got a better gig. As I squinted into the cabin I could see the beautiful people of Auckland enjoying themselves with not a midget or a pirate in sight.<br />My faith in humanity forever tarnished I headed back to the cabin to find my wife harassing the DJ and pulling at his braces before she was whacked on her arse by a midget with a plastic cutlass.<br /><br />Never trust this man with your Ipod...<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOCgIfj3r-pwm_YXTOKszNr1vUCWVBhX7rEGqZl7FwzEFtiIij668BjsyFUH4BMlxo_bHFOAjmmttPBNHelaHenLZtSuBytiKJtEJo7fUPCKKXvvK0aYCHMSHXqOIbYfXTtcxd6e6BYQPD/s1600/DJ+and+Clare2.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOCgIfj3r-pwm_YXTOKszNr1vUCWVBhX7rEGqZl7FwzEFtiIij668BjsyFUH4BMlxo_bHFOAjmmttPBNHelaHenLZtSuBytiKJtEJo7fUPCKKXvvK0aYCHMSHXqOIbYfXTtcxd6e6BYQPD/s320/DJ+and+Clare2.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5550068385501949746" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-40184425030979958142010-07-03T22:07:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:59:35.841-08:00The Non-Return Of The King<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> 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priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The wife has had her back surgery, hence the delay. This was all made more bearable by the fact that her beloved Bono has recently gone through the same procedure. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">That voodoo doll has paid for itself. Twice.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Bono may be a strange, hypocritical little gobshite with a grossly oversized head, but his pain and misery has had a calming effect on the wife. The piece of spine that was removed now sits on the bookshelf preserved in vodka til we decide what to do with it. I was thinking of getting it made into a paperweight and making a present of it to the wife’s mum.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I travel to delightful suburb of Three Kings every day and was fascinated to learn that it was named after a collection of volcanic cones (actually four in number) sitting inside a much larger and shallower explosion crater. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Which really just goes to show that despite having a literacy rate of 109%, the understanding of maths here in Mordor is only 12%. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The area around Three Kings was drastically quarried over the years and now only one cone remains, mainly as it has a large water tank that was built on its summit at the beginning of the 20th century and is somewhat difficult to dismantle using tools for breaking into cars. Now known as Big King, it has been designated as a public reserve and will not be quarried. No matter how much it begs to leave the area.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Up until I read all of this I just assumed that the rest of the cones were stolen as the area is known for its high crime rate and scant regard for personally property. In the first week I started working there a work colleague went to the bank and was about to go inside when a guy in a wheelchair outside rolled up and advised her not to as it was being robbed by two armed men at the time. She fled the scene like a greased rodent but the guy in the wheelchair remained. It was probably the first entertainment he has had since his television was stolen.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Though I am some 7 months in to my time here and getting more accustomed to the Kiwi way of life, every day in Mordor I see or hear something that causes me to do a double take. Sometimes this is one of the collection of phenomenal mullets out in Three Kings, but more usually it is something on the quite bonkers media that catches my eye or ear. The other morning there was a caller dropping the F-bomb on a radio discussion and this language wasn't checked or apologised for by the hosts.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The caller then said “Shit….I just said “f*ck” there, didn’t I. Shit, sorry about that…”</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Earlier this year we went to a fair at Mission Bay and one of the stalls was called “Finger Puppet Heaven”. I’m reminded of Demetri Martin’s wise words that the phrase “Finger Puppet” is only ok as a noun, but even given this, should children really be subjected to a stall where dead finger puppets abide? That just cannot be right.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Just as London has its Pearly Kings, Mordor has its Hubcap King. 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Not knowing if these were either stolen items displayed like a Predator’s trophies, salvaged from the road by the rest of the Maori womble clan or actually purchased for this very purpose, we stared in wonder before accelerating off into the night.</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">We then got out and checked the hubcaps were still on the car.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-36487039120131549532010-06-02T01:29:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:44:52.977-08:00Red and Brown Dawn<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> 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<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">It’s been raining here in Auckland. I mean really <b>RAINING</b>. The kind of rain that makes you think about constructing a large boat and selecting two of every animal before you realise that the whole thing is fundamentally flawed (why are the dolphins being spared?) and a load of bollocks.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Because of this, stormwater drains have taken a bit of a battering and the other morning we had what can only be described as an “incident”. Roots had penetrated the sewer pipe and for some reason the volume of water running into the stormwater drain had backed up into the trap and poured into the sewer line. This had the effect of blowing the already partially blocked sewer pipe at the nearest available release. This happened to be our front lawn and so we awoke to a lawn that had gone from green to brown overnight as human excrement flowed freely out of the blown cap. To the untrained eye it looked like a patch of Holbeck.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Fortunately it was sorted within 24 hours and the only cost of this tragedy has been an area of grass around the leak that has been killed off by either my post curry bowel movements or the cleaning chemicals they pump through the pipe as a public health measure.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">28th May was Hug A Ginga day here in NZ, largely thanks to a promotion by the radio station The Edge and because the soulless ginner abominations were singled out, several counter arguments were brought to bear about what is essentially gingerism.<br />Personally I find red headed women attractive and Alyson Hannigan, Felicia Day, Christina Hendricks and Karen Gillan spring easily to mind. Ginner men, on the other hand, tend to be poor ambassadors for the cause.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Think of a ginger man and you automatically see the gurning face of Mick Hucknall, the unholy visage of Carrot Top and the frankly punchable Chris Evans. *Shudder*</span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The upshot was that highlighting their ginger hair, pale skin, freckles and cold, doll like eyes for even one day a year brings to light that they are picked on for being different. Therefore the other 364 days seems to be Slug A Ginga Day, and the pro-ginger activists wanted to change the way we see the copper coloured mutants once for all by not acknowledging their differences.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The public saw it otherwise, however and were happy to hug the ginners for one day a year while pelting them with rocks for the rest. That's people for you.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-62962565067344242902010-05-21T00:51:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:44:21.830-08:00Gollum's Commercial Breakdown<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> 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10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I’m finding the adverts her in Sauronville hard going. The standards tend to swing between shockingly awful and risqué to say the least. Some of the stuff that happens pre-watershed has the wife and I exchanging wide eyed looks of bemusement. Though to be fair, they showed an advert for Skins at 7pm and bleeped out “f*cking” but left in “tw@ts”. Random.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Richard Till is the most annoying creature in all of Mordor.<br />It’s not the sound of this shrill voiced ghoul’s human voice.<br />It’s not even the way this grinning, dead eyed spectre leers at you from the screen trying to lure you into its food based doctrines.<br />No, it’s the way the voice falls and rises at stupid moments to miss any sort of point or structure. He could be saying anything, be it “eat healthily”, “worship me, mortals” or “kill your family. Take the knife and do it now!” but you won’t hear it. You’ll just focus on his annoying cadence. Actors held in the thrall of this hideous abomination stand beside him declaring unswerving allegiance to his unholy cause in order to further add to the subliminal programming.<br />Only the most disciplined amongst us can find the strength to switch the channel before it is too late.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Sky</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB"> City</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB"> is the local big casino run by Australians. We went in at New Year and it just looked like every other casino we have ever been in, with its gaudy carpet, dead eyed faithful throwing dollar after dollar into unforgiving slot machines and lots of Orientals.<br />They have recently tried to change this image by running an advert showing young, hip, financially secure, fun-loving individuals gambling, laughing, drinking and dancing alongside middle aged, artificial hip, financially secure, getting out of the care home-loving individuals enjoying themselves as best they can with full colostomy bags and a pacemaker.<br />I have it on good authority that all of the individuals featured are either actors or staff and do not represent the real punters, many of whom were too busy to be pulled away from the slots or bingo to appear on camera. Plus they were all wearing shorts, and that isn’t the image that Sky City wants to project.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Infomercials are also rife here with a special place in hell being reserved for the AA Insurance one which looks like it is a daytime chat show and is there just to have the AA bloke being “interviewed” spouting about his competitive rates and premiums. Even for Christchurch, apparently.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The most annoying ad has to be for the “The Amazing Maze In Maize” which is just those five words being shrieked more or less in tune by a man who is having his testicles cooked in a George Foreman grill.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">However, the crowing turd in the pipe is the new raft of Burger King ads.<br />These started off quite innocuously with the Burger King (who looks uncannily like a man in a Barry Gibb mask) playing tennis before being informed that sales of his beefy goodness were down in Hobbiton.<br />The next ad has him at the airport where he refuses to take off his crown to go through security and does a runner over the barriers. Yeah, just the kind of thing you get shot to death for at any US airport. Well, that and looking remotely Middle Eastern, anyway.<br />Then he is viewed on airport security tapes making his way across the tarmac after presumably hijacking an airliner. I guess the Air Marshals must have missed him.<br />Once he reaches NZ he proceeds to annoy people by turning up unannounced and then shoving a burger at them.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">He turns up on the porch of a guy playing the banjo (which goes to show that these are merely generic ads rather than country specific which are then slightly tailored using voice overs. It also explains the lack of Maoris in the ads) and starts dancing in that hillbilly kind of way. You know, the kind of dance that is used by many a slack jawed yokel to woo his own sister (who is also his mother).<br />After gracing us with this delight he shows up next to a very nervous looking guy in a sauna and invites said naked man to get his jaws around his Whopper.<br />Finally, in the spirit of all mask wearing sociopaths he appears silently behind a couple who are kissing in a car.<br />So, essentially you have a creepy bloke in a mask showing up when you least expect it as an advertising gimmick for BK.<br />No wonder the sales are in the toilet.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-35894720348241584652010-05-14T23:04:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:43:45.401-08:00Sh*te At The Museum 3: Nick Griffin Must Die<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> 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<![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">We went to the Auckland Domain last week to visit the museum. When the wife heard it was a war memorial museum, there was much rolling of eyes, gnashing of teeth and general complaints about man’s inhumanity to man. When she heard there was a Holocaust section she soon perked up though. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">She’s a strange, strange woman.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Anyway, here are some highlights and lowlights…</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Highlights-</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The museum itself is stunning well built and sits on a hill overlooking the city, which is a fine testament to those who have fought and died for this beautiful nation.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The memorial inside is spectacular and there is a library section where you can search the electronic database for names and get their entire service records as well as available bios and photos. It’s sombre reading.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Maori history section is likewise excellent and contains a Marae, a massive Waka and an in depth section on the frankly mental Maori Wars. It also has a huge section on early colonial history and development which I found very informative for the 3.5 seconds the wife allowed me to view it.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">South Auckland</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">'s sole unstolen VCR, preserved here for posterity.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Volcano experience is a lounge area you go into with a TV and couches and a bay window (which is actually just a screen projection) overlooking Rangitoto. The TV eventually fires up and after a short faux news clip about earthquakes, the water in the bay starts to boil, the earth shakes and the volcano goes off like Cheryl Tweedy on a nightclub toilet attendant.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The aftermath is one of a devastated buildings, destroyed vegetation and the sun barely peeking through a sky still raining ash. To be honest, it looked a lot like the pictures I’d seen of modern day Christchurch.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Lowlights-</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The section on Pacific history left me a bit cold. Maybe it’s the European in me but history should be exciting and full of murder, religious intolerance, genocide and horses becoming Senators. The Pacific history was all about war canoes, tribal skirmishes and thrilling tales of fishing or mango collecting. Which is fine if you are into that stuff, but really dull if you have lived in the same country as Prince Philip.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Nazis. To quote Dr Henry Jones Jr "I hate these guys". So, every time I see Nazi memorabilia it makes my blood boil. Despite the fact that I was in a museum with a large WW2 section I still had the first pangs of disgust when I turned the corner to find a large V1 bomb strung up over the stairs. I needn't have worried, though as the actual dedicated Nazi section was quite small, comprising of a corner of the exhibit and featuring a large swastika flag, a hundred or so Nazi party badges and a dagger. There’s probably a larger display in Nick Griffin’s living room (and sadly, not shoved up his arse along with some rusty razor wire and a rabid jackal).</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Growing up there was always a stereotype about Japanese tourists with cameras. I never fully understood this until a bus pulled up outside of the museum and about 30 Japanese tourists piled off, each holding a camera. One bloke even had three cameras on him. One huge SLR slung over one arm, a video camera over the other and a small digital one. As all were probably digital, why would he need all three? His wife just had a small digital and they were both taking pictures of the same thing. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Maybe Japanese foetuses are given small cameras to film the birth on their way out of the womb. It would certainly give a whole new meaning to the "Box Brownie".</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Anyway, once they were let loose they were snapping everything in sight, which meant I was in their way. A lot. One even tutted at me at he tried to take his twenty seventh picture of propaganda poster. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Now, I’m not having a go at the Japanese here but like many nations the people who choose to be tourists are sometimes not the best ambassadors for their home nation. I can think of a few Brits I have known who only wish to order egg and chips while abroad. Very loudly.<br />But, the shutterbug remains as an enduring image of the Japanese, much like the Kamikaze pilot and tentacle porn.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-50359245867991289342010-05-10T01:11:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:43:04.086-08:00Hell Mariachi<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> 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!mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">A few weeks ago we had to take a trip to the hospital after the wife had a back injury. Despite the fact that the driver took us over the bumpiest roads imaginable we made it there safely, signed in at the desk and had our pick of seats in Accident & Emergency, which had the capacity to hold about 30 people but held 3 at this time. Including us. The only other patron was a woman who had a splinter or something.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Once swiftly seen, we navigated our way to the pharmacy before trying to exit the maze of corridors. The problem with Auckland is that the terrain is volcanic and therefore very hilly. You can go in one door at ground level and by the time you get to the back of the building you are two floors up and watching knuckle dragging locals tipping a stolen Ford Falcon into some lava. Anyway, we ended up in the bowels of the hospital and eventually came to an upward sloping corridor where we could hear organ music. Thinking that this was being piped through the sound system but still needing to ascend anyway we went up the slope and the music got louder and louder. At the top of the corridor was a way out to the back of the building and staff car park, but on the right was a man playing the organ. There was nobody else around. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Once out we didn’t venture back into the hospital so I had no way of knowing if this music was being piped through the rest of the building (I couldn’t see how) or if it was just a bloke playing the organ for the delight of departing staff members.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Orakei has a Maori womble. I’m not joking. A Papa Smurf a-like, this old man makes a daily circuit of the neighbourhood rooting in bins, hanging out in front of the nearby dairy (local vernacular for a corner shop) and generally warping the very fabric of space/time with his military grade body odour. Bedecked in a beanie hat and parka (even in the height of summer) and with a face that has more lines than Kate Moss’s coffee table, he wanders the streets getting into daily adventures worthy of a Mike Batt tune. One day I’ll actually stop and talk to him to hear his rags to tatters story, but until I lose my sense of smell I’ll keep a respectful distance and he can remain a local enigmatic legend. Albeit it one who smells of piss.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Mexican restaurant in Mission Bay has reopened. It has now been renamed Two Amigos and rumours are afoot that it is still owned by the same miscreant who closed the place down after doing a runner with 15k of compensation money. I’m thinking that the name is a bit of a throw off as the homophobic tossrag seemed to be dead against anything involving Two Amigos. 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!mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I’ve had enough of personalised number plates. After spending the best part of five months ogling them and not the beautiful Auckland surroundings, I’ve finally given up the ghost.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">So, here’s a round up of the plates I’ve seen so far…</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Geeky Ones</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">H1TMAN- This guy genuinely had a barcode above the plate and an Agency sticker on the dash.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">X MAN- Though to be fair, this might not be a comic fan. It could be a transsexual.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Honest Ones</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">DUMBER- Found on a humvee, which says it all really.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">VODKA- Certainly goes a long way to explaining how this jeep was being driven.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">B1GDOG- Having sighted the driver, I have to agree, though the plate MUNTER would have been more accurate.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">V1AGRA- On a 1930’s ford being driven by a very old man. With a huge smile on his face.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">CHOLLO- On a car driven by a very large Hispanic gentleman.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">MY WILI- On a Toyota Will VI. Again being driven by a smiling old man.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Misleading Ones</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">SALADS- The advertising for this owner-operator company car was somewhat offset by the fat guy driving it.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">RADBOD- It wasn’t. Really.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Ambiguous Ones</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">GAS IT- I couldn’t figure out if this person had flatulence, was pro-electric or just being anti-Semitic.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">BENDS- Either someone suffering from nitrogen in the blood, or declaring his sexual proclivities.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">RIDEZY- Come to think of it, the driver did look a bit morally loose.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">K8S L8- I wasn’t sure where this was coming from. Is Kate tardy? Is she dead? Has she skipped her period?</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">WAXN IT- Is this person a surfer or merely fond of Brazilians?</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Zuh? Ones</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">HO COIL- I don’t know what this is. My gut reaction is it is something a pimp ensures his ladies have to stop them getting preggers.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">WHY 2K- Why indeed.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">ASK GOD- Just begging for the underplate writing “why I am driving like a retarded orang utan”.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Gobshite One</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">BLING- On an SUV in the city centre. This thing had blacked out windows too, which juts proves the adage that the darker the windows on the SUV the likelier the possibility that the loser inside cries themselves to sleep every night.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Regrettable Ones</span></b><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">BJS- I don’t think the driver even noticed.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">BUL177- On a Porsche than was just asking to be keyed.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">MET WAT- On a company car. Think about it.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">But the winner by a country mile is NOBASS.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I don’t know what the driver was aiming for, but in the absence of plates saying SLAVE1, BALL5 or FUKNUT then he gets the prize.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">In future I’ll just report by exception, though if I see any car with the word PLAYER/PLAYA or any alphanumeric combination thereof then there may be a short delay in my bloggage while I stand trial for murder.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-89480709334600378312010-04-12T22:18:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:30:53.502-08:00Cora! Cora! 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For those of you that don't know a yurt is a circular portable tent once used on the Asian Steppes by an assortment of different groups including the Mongols and Kazakhs. Yeah, I know, that's reason enough to avoid it from the start, but these days the yurts are fitted out with several mod cons including power, furniture and an absence of scorpions (who now stay outside in specially made kennels). Our yurt, a 9 metre diameter monstrosity had 2 double beds, a fridge, TV, dvd player, a table and 4 chairs, a BBQ area and more cupboards and storage space than IKEA.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);"> Perfect for crushing your enemies and seeing them driven before you, etc...</span><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The highlights of the Coromandel included:</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"></span></p> <ul style="font-family: verdana;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204);"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">45 minutes in the company of the most xenophobic man in Oceania. The spokesman for a local winery, he genuinely slagged off everybody with a number of stereotyping anecdotes worthy of <i>The Two Ronnies</i>. </span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204);"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">Spotting numerous honesty boxes by the roadside next to a pile of avocados. In Leeds they would have nicked your table, honesty box, avocados and still wet sign 30 seconds after you turn your back on it. And then flogged them at Cash Converters. And then returned for your car.</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204);"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">The town of Thames, governed entirely by Sheep.</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204);"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">The world's scariest ropebridge. </span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204);"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">The New Zealand's shortest ferry crossing being operated by the Chuckle Brother they don't like to talk about.</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204);"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">A man sporting a rug so obvious that it couldn't have drawn any more attention if Aladdin was flying around his head on it.</span></li></ul> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">In the news this week has been the plane crash that wiped out the Polish cabinet. There are quite a few Polish people here in Mordor, so it has really hit home, especially coming so soon after the 30th anniversary of the still controversial Mount Erebus disaster which remains NZ's worst air crash. The choice to throw so many members of a Government on one plane ranks as one of the worst airline decisions since Air Japan tried out their first commercial Kamikaze flights for that one day back in 1952. On the subject of which...</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">On Saturday we were getting ready to go to a baby shower (no, I have no idea either) when a series of thumps and bangs caught my attention. A few seconds later my heart was pounding as I realised that these thumps and bangs were the unmistakable sounds of explosions in what sounded like a heated military exchange. I genuinely began having palpitations and a fair few flashbacks to my combat zone exploits as my brain tried to understand what was happening. Had the disused gun emplacements (Auckland would have been the bridgehead for what seemed an inevitable Japanese invasion back in the height of WW2) above Mission Bay not been cleared of explosives? Was it a terrorist attack? Had the Dolphins finally developed land attack weapons to use against us?</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">My mind dismissed all of these possibilities when a Japanese attack plane screamed overhead with smoke pouring out of the tail. At this point, the skeleton crew that had been manning the sanity department in my brain decided it was time to switch off the lights and go home.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Before I had time to go completely apeshit, however, a further Japanese plane banked over the house being chased by a Kittyhawk fighter and it soon dawned on me that this was a re-enactment of some kind, complete with mock air defence batteries and fake wing-gun fire. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Apparently this mock dogfight was all to do with promoting Steven Spielberg's new series "<i style="">The Pacific</i>" which has just started here. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">As I watched the last extra from <i>Tora! Tora! Tora!</i> disappear behind Rangitoto I pondered three things;</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Firstly, I'm glad that I wasn't here when Spielberg released <i>Schindler's List</i>. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Secondly, if he makes a film about Hiroshima or Nagasaki then I'm heading back to the UK and out of the blast radius. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Thirdly, it has prompted me to send Steven the draft of my latest script in the hopes of getting it made into a feature film and having the promotion right on the doorstep. It's tentatively entitled "<i>Sleeping With Cheryl After Beating The Ever Living Crap Out Of Ashley Cole With A Baseball Bat</i>".</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I think it's a winner.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-64263997779222954512010-04-06T02:15:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:29:19.438-08:00Hack To The Future<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> 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priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">One Tree Hill. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Sounds romantic, doesn't it? It inspired a Godawful Tv show and U2 (spits) even named a song after the damned thing.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">It is a beautiful place though, don't get me wrong. Set amongst a 182 metre volcanic peak it has been a Maori Pa and now is home to the Stardome Observatory and Cornwall Park. The views from it on a clear day are quite simply stunning.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">However, it has a history...</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">When Auckland was founded back in the 1800s, a lone native tree stood near the summit but one day a settler cut it down for either firewood or a laugh (depending on who you speak to) and some non native pines were planted to replace it. Amazingly, only two pines survived. That is until 1960 when one was hacked down for either firewood or run over by that Calvin Klein kid in the DeLorean (again depending on who you speak to).</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Maori "activists" (possibly acting on behalf of Biff Tannen) attacked the remaining tree a couple of times before finally during the last attack in 2000 the pine was dealt a fatal blow. The chainsaw used in one of the attacks was shortly thereafter placed on Trade me (the local Ebay alternative) before being withdrawn after complaints.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The reason I mention all of this is that the locals, in their own inimitable style, refer to the place as None Tree Hill.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">So there you have it, 200 years of racial tension and wanton dendrocide reduced to a pun. It's the Hobbit way.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Also this week I have finally understood the letters RTD that have been on display outside of the local hooch emporium. All this time I assumed it was a reference to Russell T Davies and was glad that since he has left Dr Who he has finally found an audience of people who will appreciate his "talent", but sadly it means "Ready To Drink".</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Basically this involves mixing bourbon and cheap cola together to make an 8% proof recipe for disaster that would give Frosty Jack a run for its money. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">18 capacity cases of Cody's or Woody's (advertising slogan..."It's OK for you mate's mum/girlfriend too give you a Woody") fly off the shelves for a mere 35 Hobbit dollars (16 quid in real money) and are guaranteed to give you a headache and/or a magistrate appearance.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Though it sounds cliched, drinking remains a popular recreational activity in Mordor and is now ingrained as an acceptable social tradition along with BBQs, bungy jumping and extra work in a fantasy blockbuster. Whether it be skulling beer in the local park or lying incontinent in one of the many Irish bars, drinking is commonly used to celebrate birthdays, acknowledge the past celebration of birthdays or simply mark the fact that one happens to be conscious.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The more a Kiwi male can drink without getting drunk or dying, the more respect he receives from his peers before they finally pass out or their medical condition is upgraded to "deceased".</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Because of this, Mordor is the only nation on Earth to measure Gross National Drunkeness (GND) in lieu of GDP. As a result, Mordor hasn't posted a market gain since 1987 and Sauron is seriously starting to worry about his retirement portfolio. There is also a build up of empties in Christchurch harbour that represents a danger to shipping.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-1033147190535384522010-03-20T19:02:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:28:39.489-08:00Valdez Is Coming 2: Burrito Gang Bang<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> 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id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Kiwis have invented many things in the past few hundred years including the bungy jump, frozen meat, the tranquiliser gun, electric fences and the wooden contact lens* (invented in Auckland in 1849, meaning that the Kiwis were both ahead of and behind the times simultaneously**). One thing they didn't invent was sarcasm, though they seem to have discovered it now and are using it like it is going out of fashion.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">It appears to be the main form of humour over here, possibly as they seem to say "eh" at the end of everything and you're unsure if they are being sarky or friendly. Recently we saw a prime example of it while stopped at an intersection. There we were, waiting for our chance to turn into the steady stream of traffic with a build up of two cars behind us. As we didn't want to be cut from the wreckage of our car we foolishly decided to wait until there was a decent gap instead of using the established Kiwi methods of either<br />a) hitting the gas while saying "Jeeeezusfuckingchristtttt!" and relying on the oncoming vehicles to brake in time or<br />b) (as I saw once in the city) closing your eyes and just letting The Force do the driving.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Anyway, after a good thirty five seconds we still hadn't moved, so the middle aged bloke in the car behind us got out, walked past our car and stepped into the traffic to stop the cars so that we could get out. All the time sarcastically waving us forward and smiling at us with a grin that had more teeth than an entire family in Gipton.<br />It worked, though, eh.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">They offset this apparent sarcasm with politeness. Unlike back in the UK, roadworks seem to be completed to schedule, but even after they are, those responsible for the works put up a sign after completion to say thanks for putting up with the disruption. It makes a hell of a difference as in the UK they don't seem to care if affects you or not. I mean they may not care here, either, but if not they at least <i>pretend</i> that they do.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The locals here at Mission Bay are also a very friendly lot for the most part and you can't meet one of them without them offering you a drink, your choice of seating and something from the specials board. And all they ask in return for this kindness is payment in cash or EFTPOS.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">On the subject of which, my favourite Mexican restaurant in Mission Bay was closed last week, though I haven't been in myself for a few weeks. The last time I was there, they were criminally understaffed and the manager himself had to wait my table. I got the feeling then that he was a bit of a bellend, and I was proven right the other night. Said manager has apparently done a runner because he owes one of his ex-staff $15k in damages after he harassed him in the workplace simply because he was gay. Female ex-staff have also said that he harassed them too, albeit sexually, and it turns out that he has had some legal trouble before as he is a former brothel owner! So, that's settled it for me as I'm not eating anywhere owned by a homophobe let alone a sexually harassing ex-pimp.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">By some of the stuff he was saying to the male ex-staff member he sounds like he has a few sexual identity issues himself, so if he winds up inside I'm sure the boys on D Wing can introduce him to their own recipe of spicy chimichangas in the showers.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Aye Carumba!</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">*Not really.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">**All lies.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-52910682784212007702010-03-20T18:11:00.000-07:002010-03-20T18:32:17.379-07:00Random Photo Weirdness #1<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1YQ5IpnWmihH_NDEm3MUAYcHfeQiHg7BZsdCfQVwLyBXaxi2kV8Hv2fee04gIC57UvOjEJ3uiZDfsA-MnkzvMy8Eot1N6H6Tld6nEGG3HTzZLEaA755yNAQRcfNFWWYO-bOEvvwdJYwuJ/s1600-h/sugar.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1YQ5IpnWmihH_NDEm3MUAYcHfeQiHg7BZsdCfQVwLyBXaxi2kV8Hv2fee04gIC57UvOjEJ3uiZDfsA-MnkzvMy8Eot1N6H6Tld6nEGG3HTzZLEaA755yNAQRcfNFWWYO-bOEvvwdJYwuJ/s320/sugar.jpg" alt="" 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src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgb80WFZuGl6UtzcPgGOPA-B7SZZik4UZh5ADSURynwOsL_rJPpDW0xfZWbPgTA0bWHGjUo27bOvAAN5Cd0Y6Zo24qtmlzfu68GqOoMMv1wyJLCQlwtUxBYkVYKqjU8ecqAnfHkZNbEgRIH/s320/Xena.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5450889202989910354" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Top to bottom we have...</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Words of wisdom on the back of a sugar packet at Auckland's highest restaurant.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >An imaginatively named Irish bar where the drink is just resting in your glass.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >The offspring of The Stig and Jane Austen.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >The Kelly Tarleton's bus- SHARK2.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" >Further evidence that our local Pak N Save is run like a circus.</span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-40664229466230874982010-03-14T23:54:00.000-07:002011-01-19T00:28:01.610-08:00Reach (For The Shiny Planets)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhujlVkVZi1rGy5r0aWGN3vtcaAt75mMpvigO-G6aOTD5BoSsXCTn4w2CUJFH9FuoYgSbpqYNZD0jtT7OR3eyXIALBGRbT_xRLvy1tQYXXCv3KJr6a5XSl1YaMJz6XtK7N-pPsem9UGKmE4/s1600-h/umbrella+barr.bmp"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 127px; height: 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10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204); font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Whilst enjoying the views of Auckland through the windows of a bus I noticed that one of the big businesses tucked away in the east of the city has a corporate logo that is just three marker pen accidents away from being that of the infamous Umbrella Corporation. I'm sure it is just a front for the T-Virus manufacturing lunatics, and here was me thinking the only brain eating threat was from the Scientologists. We had a council newsletter through the door this week advising that everyone needs to have a disaster pack ready to go in case of "national emergencies". I'm guessing they too know about the imminent zombie threat, so I'm taking this as a green light to get the AA12 shotgun I've been eyeing up. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204); font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I'll see the undead pricks in hell before they get a sniff of my brains...</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">We took a trip to the Stardome last week. This is essentially an observatory and planetarium in one, and featured some spectacular views of the heavens as well as some spectacular views of imbeciles. The first of these was a mildly autistic Eastern European gentleman who seemed obsessed by the moon, where he could get his hands on a powerful laser pointer and whether or not you can stare at the sun using the big telescope. The second was a school teacher who, to be fair, was asking questions that she thought her pupils would ask. That doesn't excuse her entirely, though, and the volunteer astronomer seemed ill prepared for the questions "How big is space?", "Can we leave the Milky Way"? and "Are all the stars just shiny planets?". I felt sorry for him when he started talking to her about the Oort Cloud and her eyes glazed over, but he probably had some bad karma left over for looking a little like Harold Shipman.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Other things I have seen this week...</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"></span></p> <ol start="1" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204); font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">The world's fattest arse on a woman in Sylvia Park. Obviously a medical condition of some sort, she wasn't that much of a bloater but it looked like someone had stuffed two life vests at the top of her thighs and pulled firmly on the red toggles. Which got me wondering...does she have to get her trousers specially made or is there a Lady Got Back Emporium tucked away somewhere in Hobbiton? </span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204); font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">Some random graffitti where the word "NORKS" was written on the side of a building about 30 times.</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204); font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">A Chinese version of Christopher Walken. I swear he was the image of him, even down to the hair. If <i>Weapon Of Choice</i> had fired up, he'd have probably started dancing around Pak N Save.</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204); font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">Some homeys in a lowrider belting out thumping tunes at an unspeakably high volume. Unfortunately, as it stopped at the traffic lights, the one that was blaring from the speakers was "<i>Bring It All Back</i>" by <i>S Club 7</i>. I saw at least two pedestrians pissing themselves as the homeys tried not to notice. Fail. </span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204); font-family: verdana;"><i><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">The Pixies</span></i><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB"> performing at Vector Arena, which has the worst acoustics since Josef Fritzl's cellar. Also, the Pixies frontman now appears to be Vic Mackey from <i>The Shield</i>. </span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204); font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt;" lang="EN-GB">The man with the lowest hanging jowls in Oceania wandering around a Glen Innes car park in pink slippers, shorts and a parka.</span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: 18pt; background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(238, 238, 204);"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; font-family: verdana; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">A sign for a company called Hire-A-Hubby. The aim of this company appears to be odd jobs that the modern woman can't be arsed with such as ironing, car maintenance, DIY and gardening. I'm assuming you have to pay extra if you want them to fart in your bed while holding your head under the covers or cheat on you with your sister. Still, I'm sure my Hire-An-Ex-Hubby idea featuring scathing character assassination to friends and family, drawn out legal proceedings, tearful drunken phone calls and creepy stalking might finally have an audience.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif";" lang="EN-GB"></span></li></ol>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-39748861167546176232010-03-04T17:59:00.001-08:002011-01-19T00:27:10.396-08:00Thank Xenu It's Friday!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> 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verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">No, it isn't the new Scientology themed chain of restaurants; it's in reference to the fact that the cultish freaks were lambasted on the radio this morning. It was part of a segment discussing freakish religions and it was in the top three with the </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><a href="http://www.3news.co.nz/Destiny-Church-The-footage-they-didnt-want-you-to-see/tabid/817/articleID/144758/Default.aspx"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Destiny Church</span></a></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB"> and the Vanuatu cult that worships internationally famed racist Phil the Greek. They are not just crazy; they are Japanese game show crazy, the lot of them. However, in my book it is the people who donate to Scientology who really do “fundamentalist”.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The week continues to be weird. Our new cat, Xena, is either a genius or a complete imbecile. She has a propensity to scream all of the time, kicks off on the other cats for absolutely no reason and has an appetite like a blast furnace. The resulting presents she leaves for us in the tray are as hazardous as to the health as rods of plutonium and any trip that takes you within spitting distance of the kitchen means she will make a beeline for you and then start screaming for food for the next 45 minutes. The other day she was unusually quiet, and despite some other strange noises in the background, we got on with our business thinking that she was at last calming down. Eventually Xena emerged from the hall with the washing basket over her. When the other cats came to investigate as she slid it along the floor, a claw came lashing out from the holes in the basket. Had she invented the world's first feline testudo or is she just an idiot? I'll keep an open mind.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The next day saw a trip to Cheesefest. No, it wasn't a David Hasselhoff worshipping event, but a festival of New Zealand cheeses with free samples of both mouldy milk products and local vino. Needless to say the wife had booked us in thirty seconds after it was announced. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">It was very good even though we were both sick of the sight, smell and taste of cheese after 40 minutes. The old wives tale seems to be true as we both had weird dreams afterwards too. Hers involved Chris Moyles and mine involved electrifying the sexual organs of Ashley Cole in order to get him to tell me all he knew about string theory. I then punched out Stephen Hawking for cheating on Chezza.<br />If you're reading this, Stephen, I'm very, very sorry. If you're reading this, Ashley, you were wrong about zero-dimensional horizons and I'm coming for you with the rusty pliers.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The Baptist Church posse were out again when I jogged past the other morning in an effort to get the smell of blue cheese and fried gonads out of my nostrils. This time they had drafted in two other women, one Maori and one Pakeha. I think next time I'll just stop and join in and see where it leads. I may end up doing either Tai Chi of worshipping the Great Cthulu, but I think the risk is acceptable in either case.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Speaking of dodgy Churches, Christchurch, or as I now prefer to think of it- <i>Bram Stoker's Christchurch</i>, hasn't been in the news much this week. I don't know if they have reclassified what constitutes as murder in an effort to drop the stats or if they have been unibrow-beaten into submission, but it is too damn quiet. Maybe they are all staying in watching NZ's top rated TV programme of last week "<i>Piha Rescue</i>". Set on the world's second most dangerous stretch of sand other than a building site in Gaza, it is the real life drama of lifeguards rescuing swimmers, eating Tim Tams and talking about rescuing swimmers and eating Tim Tams. Imagine Baywatch without the looks or charm and you pretty much have it spot on. No word of a lie, people actually go to the beach in the hopes of getting on the series. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Sort of like Leeds and <i style="">Crimewatch</i>, really.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Finally there was much amusement the other night when the news report show <i>60 Minutes </i>returned to Kiwi screens and had a special (and very good) slot on the hunt for internet paedophiles. After this segment, the first advert was for Michael Jackson's <i>This Is It</i> dvd. It is either a sly dig or as my good mate Chris says "target marketing".</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Chamone!</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-90473108686163917882010-03-02T17:14:00.000-08:002011-01-19T00:26:31.989-08:00Baby You Can't Drive My Car<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2A48YVunWzYy4fG7QSVNxGAUdTYUAunew3e6sOcoAH7XUcAGzVzlCuvzRO0ebMqe5VqnvTHVFWhpR4kod0OtgCYBDSksVf_oIeGa4l4SwDqWVpy2lsGoiNSl5svFINBGgJQ1pB3sLg037/s1600-h/Copy+of+Lanterns.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" 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mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">It's been a weird week here in Mordor. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">We went to a Lantern Festival at the weekend which was part of the Chinese New Year celebrations. Though I felt somewhat robbed that the actual show lanterns were lit by electricity rather than naked flames, it made sense considering that the weather has been quite dry of late and the park is an accident waiting to happen. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Also, the sight of burning animals might well have traumatised some of the children attending. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">There was Chinese fare in the form of Cantonese, er, Japanese, Vietnamese and Thai. I dunno, maybe they run out of wontons or something and had to get the neighbours in to make up the numbers.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">In sympathy, the music was a blended mishmash of Swedish and Chinese as I remember hearing the heavily accented Chinese choir singing Dancing Queen as we queued up for spring rolls. That reminds me, I must rent out their recording of the soundtrack to <i>Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fernando</i> first chance I get.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Anyway, here's a picture of some of the lanterns that brought excitement to many a Kiwi male (not to mention at least one Yorkshireman viewing this blog).</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">On the way to the event we were passed by silver Mercedes convertible with the licence plate IM POSH. A more accurate plate would have been MUNTER or I FUGLY, but there you go. I'll have to stop looking at these plates, so will exorcise the demons with a final plate update soon.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Lord Sauron has decreed that the minimum age for drivers in the country should be raised to 16. This puts the sequel to an event I witnessed recently in serious jeopardy.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Near the Vector Arena is a row of shops set back from the road and with plenty of car parking. At night, most of these shops are closed apart from the Subway, Hell Pizza and a convenience store. So, at weekends, the local boy racers use this area to park up and admire each others' wheels. On the night I witnessed this grand event they had a lot of cars there including modded Mazdas, Ford Falcons and a couple of Lowrider Utes. Which isn't in the slightest bit like showing your mates your penis. Oh no, not at all. I mean, they probably have girlfriends and everything.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Eventually the police cruised past, turned around and stopped by for a chat and the party quickly began to pack up and depart.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Unfortunately, a lot of these souped up bangers are quite old and so aren't really built for the continuous revving and occasional burnouts put upon them by the cast of <i>Fast and the Furious 5: Auckland Ballbags</i>.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">One such vehicle backfired loudly then died as soon as it hit the main road and the toddler driving it had to get his posse out of the car to push start it. Sadly the vehicle was a hell of a size and it looked like none of them had lifted anything heavier than a spray can or a teething ring. Needless to say it failed to start and as I left to get on my own Loser Cruiser (or as it is better termed, the Panmure Shops Bus) he was on the phone to mummy and daddy to come and pick him up as his passing Top Gear buddies showered him with horn abuse. There's the friendship of the road for you.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">All of last week there was a saxophone playing near our house which has coincided with a jazz festival going on down at the local beach. Now the festival has ended the sax has mysteriously gone too. Was it one of the locals getting back in practice? Was it a visiting saxophonist staying with a friend? Were they actually recording the music for a soft porn film? Were we being visited by the spirit of Kenny G (yes, I realise he isn't dead, but give it time)? These questions may never be answered.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">However, what will be answered is what the Indiana Jones theme sounds like when played on a saxophone at 8am on a Saturday morning.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">F@cking annoying.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-5762665622422025232010-02-22T12:13:00.000-08:002011-01-19T00:25:45.915-08:00Jesus, Christchurch!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> 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Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I've started to like Fridays. The Rock radio station has a Friday Fight Club where they put two people who are passionate about something (one for and one against) in heated discussion to thrash out their views. Recently, ACDC played here so not only did they have a NZ inspired spin on some Ackerdacker classics (<i>Dirty Deeds (Done With Sheep)</i> was one such song), but they also had two blokes excitedly discussing the pros and cons of the aged Aussie rockers. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The opening salvo was from the bloke who hates ACDC saying that for liking them, his opponent is obviously the kind of man who will sleep with his own cousin when the adults are out of the house. Things got steadily worse from there really.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I don't want you to get the idea from previous posts that New Zealand is a twee, crime free haven of Hobbits dancing through the meadows and front doors being left permanently ajar. Sadly, this isn't true, but the majority of reported crime seems to be in Christchurch. It's always in the news for something dodgy. Recently they have had a spate of people of rafts paddling away from Christchurch for a better quality of life in Antarctica. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">One of the more amusing stories from Dodge City concerns a black Hummer owner who posted on a cyclist message board that he had a particular dislike of cyclists and looked forward to bouncing them off the bonnet of his penis extension. Unfortunately for him, he used the same username that he used on his TradeMe account so he was found in about thirty seconds by the cyclists who use the board, one of whom is a police officer. Once the anonymity was removed and his bravado quickly disappeared, the bellend quickly offered a grovelling apology. What a prize tool.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">One of the locals was out on his pushbike again at the weekend. We first saw this guy when we moved in and it stuck in our minds because his bike doesn't have a front tire. It is just a metal rim with no grip whatsoever. I can't figure if he is poor or just likes to crush ants. If it is the latter, I might hire him to ride around the house getting the stragglers that the Raid doesn’t kill.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Finally, I have received a bit of constructive feedback after having a dig at the Welsh in one of my previous posts. I would like to say that I genuinely had no idea that I would offend any Welsh person. This is mainly as I didn't expect them to read it as computers and the electricity to power are seen as sorcery and are generally banned under the primitive leek worshipping regime...</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-38951179551762951542010-02-19T10:45:00.000-08:002011-01-19T00:25:03.049-08:00The Mothwoman Prophecies<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> 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!mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Nature has decided to strike back on three fronts. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The moths are back, bringing with them larvae and a renewed vigour for pissing off the cats. Yesterday the wife found they had invaded her plastic container sealed porridge oats, so the lot had to be binned. She's probably been eating them for a while but hasn't noticed any ill effects other than an urge to chew clothing and bump into light bulbs. Apparently it is not unknown for moths to get in to packaging while it is still in the supermarket, so placing the food into a plastic container is not always going to help. Chemical Calvert has ordered that moth balls will now be used in conjunction with other chemical agents to rid the house of the winged pests once and for all. Other than a strongly worded letter from Hans Blix, I think we are in the right on that one.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">White tail spiders have also been able to penetrate our defences, mainly as it has been too warm not to leave the windows open. No bites as yet, but it is only a matter of time.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Ants have invaded from the basement, sending scouts into vital areas and generally giving the cats something to be puzzled over at ground level. I have decided to go down the Ant Auschwitz route and have deployed Raid in the hopes of eradicating them. Getting them tattooed might have been a step too far, though, and I'll end the madness once I ink Drone XB775968Z.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I'm not sure what purpose ants actually serve on the planet, so God must have just invented them for a laugh with the bits he had left over from pubic lice.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I was thinking of hiring the spiders to kill the ants off, but then I'd have to get in birds to eat the spiders. This madness would only end with me having a full size tiger in the house and wishing I could clone velociraptors to see them off. It would all end it tears. And blood. Lots and lots of blood.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">We went out to Newmarket last night with Ian and Laura whom we met on the Egyptian Plague Felucca. Ian paints boats for a living so Clare immediately went straight in with the boat questions as she now wants one (don't get me started). Laura was the only person I can recall who didn't contract Death Shits when we were on the Nile but she did neck a bottle of cheap vodka so that probably killed off any germs. She was legally registered as blind for three days afterwards, though.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Newmarket</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB"> is a very well to do area with some nice bars, restaurants and plenty of boutique shops. It is also home to one of the <i>Cock and Bull</i> chain of English pubs. By English pubs this doesn't mean it is full of chavvy slappers, drug dealing doormen and the small fact that you get glassed at the end of the night, but it does mean they have the same quality live entertainment. Last night it was the turn of local covers band Take Note (Of The Fact That You Will Never Want To See Us Again) who opened up to a surprisingly empty bar with Avril Lavigne before descending into the Bee Gees, the Doobey Brothers and assorted Reggae (which consisted of one of them saying "Yeah, mon" every few seconds). This was topped off by several imbeciles in the pub, mainly of Oriental extraction, dancing very badly to the renditions. One of these scored several cool points by pretending to cast a fishing rod at his girl and then reeling her in. Sadly for him she got up from her seat and went to the bar instead, which was a better choice on her part. We left in the interval, sparing ourselves the horror of part two, but it did confirm one rule. Heterosexual men should always keep their hands at chest height or below when dancing. The instant their hands go above chest height, they become homosexual. It's the law in <i>any</i> country.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Finally, when we got in it was time to give the new kitten her fourth feed of the day. I opened up the Whiskas box and grabbed a pouch before staring at it with incredulity. The box says "Whiskas Kitten Food" on it in large letters. It has several pictures of a kitten adorning it as well as all the nutritional information you will need to know about the furry heat-leeching sponger screaming at you from ankle height. The pouch has all the same wording and nutritional info on it as well as the ubiquitous picture of a kitten. It also has the words "Pet Food Only" and "Not Intended For Human Consumption" emblazoned on it. I can count on the fingers of one head the amount of times I have bought kitten food, gone to serve it in bowls for my human guests before slapping myself on the forehead when I see the words "Pet Food Only" mocking me in unforgiving black letters. I can only guess it is an American influence as those mooks tend to bring about legal proceedings when they eat catfood or try to make toast in the bath.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">I'm now off to stencil the household appliances with the words "Do Not Insert Violently Into Rectum", just in case.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7160265601877296696.post-45604753419452355412010-02-12T18:59:00.000-08:002011-01-19T00:24:12.758-08:00Boogie Neverland<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" 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mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The wife persuaded me to go to a club last night, mainly to see a friend of hers strut his stuff in his own unique style. Generally, nightclubs and I don't mix. I find the drinks limited and pricey and more often than not such places are full of the people I have spent my life avoiding social contact with. Not that I'm a snob or anything- I'm just more of a sociopathic misanthrope with acute homicidal tendencies and a low tolerance for bellends. Plus, I'm reliably informed that my dancing resembles the death throes of a man covered in burning napalm and even bellends don't deserve to witness that.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">The choice of venue was a place in the centre of town called Boogie Wonderland and the first thing that struck me when we went in was the small number of clientele (I've seen more crowded bars in Saudi Arabia) and the fact that the DJ booth was contained within a large cup being held by two equally large hands. I was trying to get my head around this bizarre image while the DJ was going through his inane chatter and all I could think of was that it was meant to represent some sort of post-modern vegetable soup. There was certainly a cabbage involved, anyway.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">In the Mixmaster Mug, DJ Crouton was playing a selection of the 30 songs known in Auckland's drinking holes. I swear to St Angelina, that the same songs followed us round all night. We went to three bars before the club and we heard the same tracks again and again. It's like every pub and club in Auckland has the same copy of "<i style="">Now That's What I Call Utter Shite</i>" that they pump out on an endless loop as some sort of Gitmo-esque punishment for being members of Al-Quoholic. While we are on the subject of bars, a stag party turned up at the Irish bar we started at. Every stag do I have been on has followed that trend. Is it a universal law that all stag parties, no matter where in the world they happen, have to visit an Irish pub?</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Back in Disco Hell, when I spotted the <i>Saturday Night Fever</i> style light tile floor I was immediately reminded of the scene in <i>Airplane</i> with the bar full of rough freaks dancing to the Bee Gees. Sure enough, 20 minutes after, the Brothers Gibb squealed into life on DJ Crouton's decks and the freak parade began in earnest. All that was missing from this scene were two girl scouts kicking the crap out of each other and a man gesturing to a knife protruding from his back. Although, given </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/3279421/Homicide-probe-after-taxi-driver-stabbed-to-death"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">recent events</span></a></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB"> in Auckland, the latter could easily have shown up.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">Finally, I spotted the behatted simpleton pictured posing above. With my very own peepers I've seen some surreal messed up shit over the years including genocide in Rwanda, objects moving across the room by themselves and several male family members dressed as women, but my jaw was agape as Brokeback Maori took to the podium.</span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">He was dancing (if you can call it that) quite camply while at the same time performing some imaginary karaoke, which mutated into him pointing at various things on the ceiling, paddling an invisible canoe (though he did get bonus points for unfurling an invisible map, studying it and peering through a likewise invisible spyglass), some robotics, swimming and a moonwalk (where he just took strides backwards) before settling on whirling an imaginary lasso around his head and then pretending to haul in something at ceiling height (possibly an invisible llama stag on his way to meet the rest of the party at O'Hagan's Irish Bar). While performing all of this, he was smiling at friends across the room and occasionally winking at them. </span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);" lang="EN-GB"><br /></span><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">One of my companions then pointed out the flaw in this process in that he didn't actually have any friends there and he was smiling at incredulous strangers, thin air and the back of people's heads. He was also drinking coke and nothing else, so alcohol isn't to blame this time. In any case, booze would probably interfere too much with his anti-psychotic medication, which obviously needed upping. </span></p> <p style="font-family: verdana;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 11.5pt; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);" lang="EN-GB">By the end of the night, he was still giving it his best and as we left I saw him start the lasso process all over again. He's probably still dancing along to the songs in his head as he waits in line for his meds.<br /><br />In conclusion, there are some things the eyes should never have to witness, so I'm going to petition the local council to have the place renamed Boogie Neverland. For just like the late Michael Jackson's paedo palace, this is a place to be avoided if you don't want to lose your innocence.</span></p> <span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);font-family:verdana;" ></span>Jimbohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10637542033995521568noreply@blogger.com0